i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
