checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
