got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
