she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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