you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
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We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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