I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
