Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
