I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
