at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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