He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
