look no pants
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
