I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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