Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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