she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
