my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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