You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
