Your dad touched me again.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
