dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
