Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
