Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
