I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
