I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
