Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
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After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
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So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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