may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
