you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
