So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
