ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
