I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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