Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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