Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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