I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
