Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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