Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
