12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
