I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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