Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
