Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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