I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
