You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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