At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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