the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
