NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
