Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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