im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
