So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
