Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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