i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
