So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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