And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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