So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
