i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
