How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
