I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
