He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
