if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
