Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
