got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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