can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
