Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
