textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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