Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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