Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
